


beside the salty water, i could hold you close

by patchworkgirlofoz



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Pining, dancing! the most overdone of metaphors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:47:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23755609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patchworkgirlofoz/pseuds/patchworkgirlofoz
Summary: Nobles somewhere are hosting a ball. Jester pairs everyone up - a few more seriously than others. Caduceus keeps building walls around his heart.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	beside the salty water, i could hold you close

“So, just so I understand. We've already got the invitations. The whole reason we're even going to the ball is so we can reduce suspicion while Veth is upstairs looking for what, exactly, is the connection with the nobles here and the Dwendalian Empire,” Fjord said. “And why exactly do we have to pair up, again?”

“What do you mean, why?” Jester said. She was digging into the haversack, pulling out odds and bits that they had collected over their travels in search for the fancy clothes they’d bought a few months past. “This is the only time we’ve ever been invited to a _ball_ , Fjord.” 

Fjord huffed out a laugh. “I know that, Jessie. I just don’t get where the whole… holding hands bit comes in.”

Jester tossed his captain jacket right in his face. He managed to catch it, despite the fact that his hands were already full. “I can’t believe how unromantic you are. It’s a ball! Balls are meant for dates, and for dancing!”

“Caduceus…” Fjord turned to him, looking for some kind of lifeboat. Caduceus could barely make out his eyes over the top of the clothes pile. “Help me out here.”

Caduceus opened his mouth, then looked to Jester, who was looking up at him pleadingly. He looked back at Fjord, who seemed to know he was about to be outvoted now, and offered him a sheepish shrug. 

“I don’t see the harm?” 

Fjord sighed. His shoulders slumped in clear defeat. 

Jester, however, clapped her hands in delight. There was a twinkle of mischief in her eyes. “Now you can’t say no!” She said. 

“I don’t know what I did to get both clerics set against me,” Fjord grumbled. 

“I’m out.” That was Caleb, though Caduceus hadn’t known he was here, which was a feat in and of itself. 

“What! No - I didn’t know there was an out. I call out!” Fjord said. 

“Caleb!” Jester put both hands on her hips as she whirled to face him. “You can’t call out.”

“I can,” Caleb said. He knelt down, and Frumpkin skidded out from under the bed to climb up his arm. “The math is simple. There are seven of us. Only three pairs. I call out.”

“Veth gets out, not you,” Jester said. “She’s the one we didn’t introduce, remember? She’ll be invisible and she’s supposed to be the one on the mission and - and I just want everyone to dress up and have a nice time, okay? Why can’t we have fun again, everything has been so horrible since…” She trailed off, looking down at her feet.

... Rumblecusp. She didn’t have to say it. 

If they were intentional crocodile tears, then they were good ones. Caduceus thought there was nobody worse at handling that than Fjord, except for possibly Caleb, who was clutching his cat familiar tight enough that if it were a real cat it might have clawed his face. 

“Ja, okay. A dance sounds very nice after all, you know?” Caleb said, voice soft. “I’ve changed my mind. Jester, I have some coin with me again. Would you like to pick me out a new outfit?”

Fjord let his head fall up, staring at the ceiling for a brief beat. “Sure. Okay. You got us. Sounds like a real fun time.”

Jester peaked out from behind the fan of her hands and smiled. 

“No new clothes for me, though,” Fjord said.

“Aww! You’re such a party pooper, Fjord.”

Caleb’s expression twitched. “'Party pooper',” he repeated. 

“Hadn’t heard that one before?” Caduceus asked. Caleb shook his head. Caduceus smiled, slowly, as he let the delight of the term really set in. “Nah. Me neither. That’s a fun term. Party pooper.” 

“What does it mean, he poops at parties?” Caleb asked.

“No - I don’t - ugh.” Fjord shook his head. “Never mind.” 

Caleb grinned at Jester and she grinned back. Even if she was putting on a face to bend them to her whimsy, it was nice to see her wanting to reach out and do something playful again. Caduceus wouldn’t mind if it came at his expense. He liked dressing up, even. It could be fun. Yeah, he wasn’t sure about the ballroom dancing part that Jester had been so excited about when their invitations had arrived, but there were always interesting people to talk with and new food to try. It might be really, really nice. 

“So that means it will be Caleb with Yasha, me and Beau, and that leaves Fjord with Caduceus.”

He took it back. This was a horrible idea. 

\--

Jester had apparently managed to rope in both Beau and Yasha in before she had even talked to the boys, so by the time Caduceus had any real protest to make, his fate had already been sealed. Yasha had clasped his arm sympathetically but neither of them would say no to Jester on his behalf, which Caduceus understood.

He sighed, staring up at the very large manor before them. The gardens around it were nice, even peaceful as they walked through it. But he couldn’t imagine a waste of space as large as this. For a party it might be nice, but how could you see your own family if there were dozens of rooms to hide in? Imagining this space in comparison to the comfort of the Blooming Grove, when there had been family in it, made him wonder how lonely the people who lived here could be. Maybe even as lonely as he had been. A small home could also feel much too large, when there were no people in it. 

“Ducey, you alright?” Fjord asked as they walked down the path towards their doom-slash-destination. 

Caduceus blinked. He looked down, and managed a small smile. “Yeah. Thank you. I’m just. Not sure what to expect out of this.”

Fjord was looking straight ahead. He laughed, nervously. “Don’t overthink it.” He said. Caduceus wondered if he was also trying to convince himself. “This isn’t too different than the last time. Just ignore people staring at you and, uh, how tall you are and you’ll be fine.”

It was different from last time, in a notable way. Caduceus wasn’t sure how to kindly point out that this time, they had been introduced together as a couple to the Baroness of the house by a very excitable Jester Lavorre, and were expected to arrive as such.

In fact, Caduceus couldn't imagine anything more awkward or strangely mortifying than walking into an unfamiliar and very large house surrounded by many people who somehow all managed to look down their noses at him - despite his height - except, of course, that in this version of events it had played out so that Fjord were somehow supposed to pretend to be together. That wouldn't have been so bad on its own, except that of course Fjord was avoiding all eye contact with Caduceus at all.

That kind of hurt, in a way he didn’t want to ponder on. But he let it go. 

“You really think this is some kind of bounce back from Traveler Con and all that?” Fjord asked. “You think she’ll… start feeling more like herself again?”

“Maybe,” Caduceus acknowledged. He didn’t think it was quite that Jester was lying when she brought that up - not exactly. It was only that he wasn’t sure it was the whole truth. 

Jester was right ahead with Beau, half pulling her along where their arms were linked together as she bounded up the stairs to the main entryway. She was wearing a very pretty chiffon dress, a deep plum colored fabric that flattered her skin tone nicely. 

Caduceus saw her eyes dart over Beau one too many times, never quite catching or holding her gaze, and knew the stronger reason for it. 

\---

Fjord abandoned him almost as soon as they entered the building, slipping out of his grasp with a quick apology and something about needing to find a restroom. Caduceus was really trying not to hold that against him.

Of course, by the fifteenth person within the last hour and a half who had ventured over to intrude upon his space, it was getting to be a hard ask.

Caduceus generally thought of himself as a patient person. He could get along with anyone provided he was in the right mindset. It didn’t usually matter if they were trying to get along with him or not. Today, however, he was tired of being a curiosity for nobles who had never seen a firbolg and had decided that he, his accent, his Blooming Grove stories, and even his sky-blue coat were all rather quaint and funny.

He’d liked this coat when he’d picked it out. 

Caleb, of all people, looked more relaxed than Caduceus felt. He knew how to dance though he hadn’t looked like he had much fun with it, and he was having a deep conversation currently with the Baron of the house. He seemed, if not relaxed, then a little less on edge compared to how he’d first arrived. 

No one was bothering Yasha, who hovered awkwardly in the corner. Caduceus had more height on him, but he was far less intimidating, and so he was apparently the guest to poke and prod at - if only metaphorically. 

The dancing he rejected as gently as he could each time. The chatter he tried to make something interesting from, though no-one seemed as delighted when he turned the conversation to subjects he was fond of, like how quickly a body can decompose into the earth. Alternately, if they had decided on what to do with their bodies once they passed on, which really did have them quick to be making excuses to walk away. 

It wasn't his fault that Lady Desnay was close to her time, it had seemed a topical conversation path to Caduceus. And if he didn't want to speak with anyone and might have been trying to throw them off deliberately, well, that was his business.

As for Fjord - well, Caduceus wasn’t sure where ‘his date’ had slipped off to. There were enough people in this large ballroom that it was easy to lose sight of someone even if you were looking for them. Fjord could have found someone else to speak with, or dance with, someone a little less boring than his traveling companions who he was with all the time.

Caduceus found he hated that idea, and then immediately was upset with himself for it. Of course Fjord would be able to find something here, he was charming, people liked him. And this kind of environment couldn’t be as foreign or unwelcome as it felt to Caduceus who was about to itch right out of his jacket.

In a moment of whim, he decided to actually drink his wine instead of fake sipping it. He scrunched his nose as he swallowed. _That_ tasted like guilt.

At least Jester had gotten what she had wanted.

Jester giggled as Beau turned them in the wrong way in what seemed to be a very convoluted dance. Caduceus had never thought ballroom dancing was this intimidating, though if he was honest, he never had thought much about ballroom dancing at all. The most dancing he’d ever done was the freeform kind where the only people who could judge you were your siblings - and they would, loudly. He did miss his family, as much for the comfort in being seen accurately at your worst and loved in spite of it, or just to feel like he didn't have to guide the boat so much, metaphorically speaking.

Beau frowned, glanced over her shoulder in Yasha’s direction - was given something of a sympathetic look - and returned, gamely, to trying to keep up with Jester.

Caduceus sympathised with that as well. He was not comfortable here, not with the people here or their norms and their dancing that he never learned. Still, he was wistful that he had even half an ounce of Jester’s boldness or confidence in herself.

Spinning around her partner in a circle, Jester’s tail lightly tapped Beau’s leg. She whispered something - a correction? Flirting? - either way, Beau flushed in response. It was too far away for even Caduceus’ sensitive ears to pick up on, especially with the general chatter and the music that floated from the corner of the room where a trio of gnomes were playing something a little too vehemently for the atmosphere.

Fjord stepped into Caduceus’ vision, and Caduceus looked up from where he was sitting.

Jester had insisted that Fjord at least wear the clothes they’d bought for him the last time, as he’d rejected spending more money on anything new. He looked good, well he always looked handsome. But he looked smart and put together. There was a warmth in Fjord’s eyes as he offered Caduceus his hand.

“It’d seemed impolite not to offer my date a dance,” Fjord said.

“Fjord, you don’t need to do that,” Caduceus said. He couldn’t help but wonder why after ditching him right away, Fjord had come back thinking this was what he wanted. “I really don’t know how to dance. And I don’t think we have to pretend anymore.”

“I insist!” Fjord said. And then he winked, which was unfair. Caduceus almost instantly wished to forgive him. “I promise, the next one will be slow and easy. I bribed the gnome. I think he’s the leader of their trio. That one in the purple fancy clothes and the sly grin who is... waving at us, for some reason?”

Caduceus glanced over at the trio, and the one in the purple did catch his eye. He waved, beaming. Caduceus, bewildered, couldn’t help the automatic response to wave back.

“For me?” Fjord asked, and really, that wasn't playing fair. Caduceus offered no further resistance as he was pulled to his feet. The music had already begun and at least, like he had promised, this wasn’t quite as quick or loud as it had been before.

Fjord put one hand on Caduceus’ shoulder, and one on his hip. Caduceus had to bend down a little to assist, and while it was not exactly a comfortable position, he could probably manage it for a little while.

“Now what do we do?” Caduceus asked.

“Uh,” Fjord said. “Follow my lead. I’m going to step like this - “ He took a few steps to the left, and Caduceus obediently mirrored the action. “- and then twist?”

Caduceus noticed that he was looking around at the others around them, and not looking up at him. Still, he tried to twist like he was told, but they were tangled before he knew what was happening. Caduceus - being as tall as he was - almost fell back into another spinning couple as he stepped away.

“I’m really sorry about that,” He said, giving the woman a pacifying smile. She gave him the most sour look, like he was a bug, while her date spun her away. He didn’t mind, because Fjord was laughing.

“Well, that didn’t go as planned,” Caduceus said. Fjord laughed more, his head falling against Caduceus’ chest. Amused, he patted Fjord’s back.

“Alright. I admit it, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I pretended like I did, I just - let’s try something else.”

Caduceus tilted his head. “Okay,” he agreed easily, although without knowing as to what.

“Let’s just flow to our own movement,” Fjord said. He didn’t move from where his head was still pressed against Caduceus’ chest, but took his arm, and started swaying to the sound of the music. There was a slight flush that Caduceus could make out on the top of his ears, a darker green than normal.

“That sounds nice,” Caduceus said. He thought the movement was a little like the waves on the beach shore, in and out in a fairly regular movement. He placed his hand on Fjord’s back, and began guiding that motion so it was more precise - slowed it down even further, but more controlled.

Fjord relaxed, finally, and it was in that release of tension that Caduceus realized he had been unable to do so himself. He hummed, slightly, a tune that came to him from some faraway portion of his childhood, a half-forgotten memory, a moment of peace long forgotten.

"That's nice," Fjord said. "What's that?"

Caduceus chuckled. "I don't know," he said, honestly. "I never asked for a name. It just was always there."

Fjord looked up at him, as though he was fascinated, though Caduceus couldn't guess what it was. It certainly felt more pleasant than being gawked out. "You look uh, nice today," Fjord said. He cleared his throat. "By the way. I just wanted to say that."

"Thank you, Fjord."

"Yep. No problem."

He wanted to hold Fjord tighter, but he didn’t. He wanted to say that he was glad he’d asked for the dance, even though he was still certain he disliked ballroom dancing. It wasn’t just being included - he’d noticed Fjord had reached out to him, time and time again. He was grateful for that.

Caduceus only wanted it to be because of himself, sometimes. He didn’t always want it to feel like Fjord was reaching through him for the Wildmother. Even if that was what made sense, and he couldn’t begrudge the nature of their relationship. He was happy to be that person for Fjord, glad to be special to him in some way. It just wasn’t in the way that he wanted.

If he closed his eyes and listened to the music, let himself lean slightly against Fjord, he could pretend this was something else. That this was really a dance with a handsome gentleman who was courting him, not because anyone had thrown them together because she thought it might be funny, but by their own will.

That felt selfish. But, if only for this one time - here and close enough to each other he could feel Fjord’s heartbeat, or perhaps it was his own, racing fast between them - he allowed himself to be selfish. Just for this minute, this hour, this night. After that, he could retreat back and draw in the safe lines of their relationship to be what he knew Fjord needed him to be most, a mentor first, and then a friend if he was very lucky.

There was no reason to complicate this, not for a few silly feelings he hadn’t intended. Not when Fjord was growing in the right direction. It could mean ruining something special or worse, taking advantage of a situation where Fjord was clearly looking at Caduceus for answers that he didn’t always have.

While they danced, he saw that Beau and Jester had stopped and offered Yasha to join them. Though Jester clearly had no such problem with the dance, and Beau had kept up just fine, it was a little different with three. A formal dance wouldn’t allow for it, but instead of trying to compromise they clearly just threw out the whole basket and started doing what they pleased.

He heard Fjord laugh again as they watched the much more upbeat and out of place dancing that the girls started, more inclined to what you’d see in a tavern. There were some scornful glances from some of the party goers, but the trio in the corner seemed immediately for it. The music kicked up and all around them the dancing changed. Immediately the crowd began to move more quickly - whether that was to get out of the center of the room in disagreement, or, for the larger portion to begin to stomp their feet and clap and holler in joyous celebration.

Fjord didn’t seem inclined to change their tempo, and Caduceus wasn’t either. Though they probably looked out of place more than they had before, it wasn’t as pressuring somehow. If Caduceus were to try and explain it, it felt less like being trapped in some strange unknown civilization with rules he could never fully understand, or want to do. Now, it was more like a room full of people who were waking up all around them and enjoying themselves again. There was a cheer as Jester dipped Beau.

That was comforting to him. How like Jester, to arrive in a place and change it to her own beat.

While Caduceus danced and thought of these things, about how Fjord fit so neatly in his arms, about how he loved him and couldn’t speak to it. About how he did miss his family, but Jester and the Mighty Nein were slowly becoming just as important to him. While these were at the forefront of his mind, he did still catch the Baroness’ eye as she danced past them. She had bright hazel eyes, regarding them with a warm smile. Caduceus noticed that there were two blue feathers were tucked away in her dark brown hair. They must have been fashioned so securely because they didn’t so much as move an inch as she danced. He wondered if it was perhaps a kind of spell? She winked at him, and then she and her partner spun away, back into the crowd.

**Author's Note:**

> Is it a stretch? It is totally a stretch. But I mean, so is the fake dating. I hope the indulgent VM fanservice here makes up for Caduceus’s one-two punch combination of Insecurity and Responsibility that is stopping him from noticing Fjord is just as sweet on him. 
> 
> Fjord, meanwhile, spent that all that time - and it is important for you to know this - building himself up to asking Caduceus to dance, promptly having a panic attack that he didn’t know how to dance, and then bribing Scanlan far too much money to play the slowest song possible so he could try to fake like he knew what he was doing. It is incredible that Caduceus thinks he’s cool.
> 
> (I hope I'm wrong about Traveler Con being a disaster.)
> 
> Today’s song I took the title from is “In Memoriam” - The Oh Hellos. The prompt is from Day 2 of the Fjorclay week, fake dating.


End file.
